2014 was the worst year of my life. Though I tried to hide it from myself and from you, I hit rock bottom. I faced and failed to resolve numerous ongoing negotiations that left me feeling increasingly powerless. I was sad, I was scared, and, little by little, I began to think of myself as a victim.
Because I have a public job and responsibilities, I tried, and failed, to hide my fear and my low self esteem from the people around me and from myself. In my case, being angry was easier for me to me acknowledge about myself than being scared, or sad, or ignorant and so, in classic human fashion, fear and ignorance led to anger and, in a very personal way, I became a bully. A mean bully. And I didn’t see it. And I am so sorry for the impact that doing so had on those around me.
In one particular case, I hired a bright young man with a good personality and a lot of energy who I liked a lot and felt I could trust to watch over my business, the kind of staff member you really want in your corner, and, egged on by fear, unhinged by anxiety and lacking the self-respect required for the respect of others, I wrote him a blistering email criticising him after only his second night of work in front of all of his CCed co-workers. It was wrong. It was humiliating for him. It was terrible and inappropriate of me. And I did it shortly before Christmas.
And to his credit, this young man called me on it. He made it clear to me, to his, and to my, communities that in doing so, I was bullying asshole. No ifs ands or buts about it. And he was right. And I’m sorry. And as I come out of the dark, selfish, myopic hole that I allowed myself to fall into, and looking back to who I’ve been and forward to who I want to be, I realize that I have a lot of apologizing, acknowledging and listening to do. Because his wasn’t the only incident.
I’ll be reaching out to a lot of people over the next few weeks to apologize and, where possible, help them find solace and closure. If you’re one of those people and you don’t hear from me directly but would like me to hear, directly, openly and clearly how I’ve hurt or impacted you through my words or actions, acknowledge that impact with you and take steps to ensure your wholeness and well being, I’m available through email at info at raygunlounge dot com, through the facebook accounts of both gamma ray games and the raygun lounge and at the counter. I’m currently at the counter most week days from 11am to at least 2:30pm, if not later, and most Saturdays from 11am until 5:30pm.
Should you choose to speak truth through any of these avenues, please know that you will be heard, honored and very respected for doing so. I deeply appreciate your willingness to believe, like I do, that I can be something other than what I was last year and your courage to help me get there by letting me know the harsh truths about myself that I have been hiding from.